A Mercenary Day Melody
by xmercykiller
Summary: Ever wondered what the vault hunters would give each other for Christmas? Also, an actual story involving Marcus will be added later.
1. Midget Quick Draw

**So you want to hear another story? One of treachery, deceit, and fraud? Then let me tell you of the time that the vault hunters…. Broke into my house like dirty thieves!**

It all began on Mercenary Day Eve, only a year after the giant snowman attacked the town of Gingerton. All was not well with the company in Sanctuary. Scooter had just been in an accident in one of his own cars and Zed was fixing him up while Moxxi and Ellie stayed by his side. Lilith and the other original vault hunters were busy planning for something they refused to tell me about, and Hammerlock had left town unexpectedly upon the sight of his sister Aurelia. The only hint of cheerfulness that could be found in that flying city was the holiday party hosted by the explosive duo, Mister Torgue and Tiny Tina.

"Alright alright alright everybody listen up!" yells Tiny Tina into the microphone in her usual playful yet devious voice as she stands on top of the bar. Mister Torgue stands behind her holding the amp that propels her voice throughout Moxxxi's. "It is time for the glorious event that is the opening of the PRESENTS!" The restaurant starts to slowly quiet down when people hear that word and everyone looks over to the area in which Sir Hammerlock usually stands to see a large pile of decoratively wrapped presents. Axton and Salvador turn around from what they called their 'competitive' gambling at the slot machines, Zer0 takes a break from getting bull's-eye knife throws, Maya and Gaige stop their conversation about magic robots, and Krieg starts swinging back and forth from the hanging lights.

Tina hands the mic to Torgue before he screams into it, "THE ORDER IN WHICH YOU ALL WILL OPEN YOUR GIFTS WILL BE DETERMINED BY A COMPETITION!" Tina runs out and drags in a long cart with six midgets tied to it and lined up with their arms and legs spread in an "X" shape. "WHOEVER CAN KILL THEIR MIDGET THE FASTEST WITHOUT KILLING ANY OTHERS WILL BE FIRST, BONUS POINTS FOR EXPLOSIONS!" Before anyone else can say another word, the midget on the far left is decapitated and his head falls to the floor.

Zer0 suddenly reappears in front of the dead midget as he sheathes his sword and says, "Mission accomplished, the midget has been silenced, competition won." Even Torgue is speechless as Zer0 goes to grab his gifts and sits down across from Maya and Gaige. As Maya carefully aims her left hand at the next midget, Axton zooms down his sights and puts a quick burst of three bullets into its skull and kills it instantly. Maya shoots Axton an evil glare before he winks back and sarcastically salutes her.

As Salvador follows Axton and fills his midget with tiny holes from his Vladof SMG, Gaige urgently summons Deathtrap and commands him, "DT! Kill that one!" Her faithful robotic companion immediately focuses a fiery laser from its head and burns a giant hole though the torso of the otherwise unharmed midget.

Again Maya attempts to focus her hand in order to only harm one midget, but her thoughts are interrupted by the psychotic screaming above her. "Monkey metals devour the meaty floorboards!" shrieks Krieg as he leaps off the lamp at the top of his swing and brings his axe right down onto the head of the next midget. After he jumps down and takes the time to enjoy the splatter of blood on his face, he glances at the infuriated Maya and realizes he has pissed her off. Maya rolls her eyes at him and phaselocks the last midget without focusing, as she is already last and can't kill two by accident. As the squealing pipsqueak burns to a crisp from Maya's Helios skill, Krieg throws a stick of dynamite straight into her orb.

The resulting explosion wakes Torgue from his speechlessness and he says, "THAT! WAS! AMAZING! THE CROWD DIDN'T EVEN BLINK BEFORE EVERYONE WAS DEAD!" Torgue hands the mic back to Tina as she climbs back onto the bar. "And the champion of the Midget Quick Draw is ZER0!" she announces in the best posh voice she can muster, "Is there anyone this faster-than- light assassin would like to thank?" Tina jumps down and skips over to Zer0 to point the mic at his helmet, which he simply responds to with a prompt, "No." Without hesitating Tina yells, "Yaaaay! And then in second place we have our one and only AXTOOOOOON!" She again skips over to her interviewee and asks, "How did it feel to steal my big sis's kill you sly commando?" in a passive aggressive tone that Axton was not expecting.

"Hey it was a competition, what else would I have done?" he says, trying not to admit that he wanted to open his presents sooner.

Tina closes her eyes and raises her chin as she utters a loud, "Hmmph!" before striding over to Maya. "And in third place with her double explosive finish is the marvelous MAYAAAA! What do you have to say about your glorious comeback from last to third place?" she asks with a huge grin on her face.

"Uhhh… I guess I would have thank Krieg for that dynamite" Maya answers, not knowing what else to say.

Tina takes in a breath but before she can speak Krieg screams, "My honey hands are ALWAYS sticky!" as he jumps onto one of the tables.

Tina skips over to the gunzerker and yells, "And in fourth place is SALVADOR with his midget turned to Swiss cheese, any comments?" as she points the mic at his mouth.

"Hahaha, it was fun!" he says back as he holds one of the guns in the air.

Tina runs over to the pouting Gaige and yells, "What's wrong girl you know you got fifth place?!"

"Fifth place SUCKS! How did Maya get so far ahead of us?" she asks with her arms crossed and head down.

Torgue interrupts with a voice so loud he doesn't need a microphone, "LASERS ARE THE OPPOSITE OF EXPLOSIONS!" Tina offers the mic to Gaige once more but she turns her head in refusal before Maya pats her on the back. Tiny Tina quickly turns around and throws the mic at Krieg to hear his thoughts. When he catches it, however, he immediately smashes it against the wall. After a moment of silence for the fallen mic, Mister Torgue announces, "WELL LET'S START OPENING THE F***ING PRESENTS ALREADY!"


	2. Zer0's Gifts

Everyone gathers around where Zer0 is sitting as he sets the first gift in front of him, which was a long box with a ball at one end. He begins to open it carefully by peeling off the first piece of tape with his sword, but his patience proves useless against Tiny Tina as she reaches over and rips the paper off. Zer0 quietly grabs his newly revealed sword by the hilt and holds it up to the light, it has a serrated edge and is covered in dried blood. The crowning jewel of the magnificent blade is the skag head that is has been run through, and Zer0 says, "A serrated edge, a mighty killing machine, I thank you psycho."

"The lollipop man licks and licks and licks until HE CHANGES COLOR!" Krieg shouts joyously.

Zer0 sets Krieg's gift aside and opens the next present; this one is also a sword, but it was normal. It was a regular, traditional katana; the only strange part about it was a faint, purple glow that seemed to captivate the room.

"There's a bit of my power in it, I found a book that explains how to do it. Though I never got the chance to see what it does" Maya says with a smirk.

"I will find out soon, for this strange glow intrigues me, after the party" he responds as he sets it next to the other sword and picks up the next gift. Surprisingly, it was another sword, this time made by Gaige. It was digistructable, just like his regular sword, but this one was surging with electricity. "And I shall call it, the razor-sharp Shieldkiller, it will slay many" Zer0 announces as he shows a smiley face emoticon on his helmet. Gaige turns her head to hide her blushing cheeks as Zer0 gets the next present which is shorter than the others. Zer0 rips the wrapping paper apart and sees a small, intricately decorated dagger. He shows a "O_O" emoticon on his helmet as he delicately lifts it up with both hands and admires the craftsmanship.

From the back of the crowd, Salvador speaks in an ominous yet gentle tone, "This weapon has been passed down in my family for generations, it is called El Perforador. It is a feared weapon, known for having killed over 10,000 people by piercing straight through their hearts." A light smirk crawls across his face as he continues, "It has also been known to never need sharpening, which helps when shaping my beard."

The crowd lets out a faint giggle when they hear his words before Zer0 says to Sal, "I will cherish it, tis truly honorable, this blade of legend." He sets it with all his other swords and grabs his last gift and rips it open. Sitting there looking at the Dahl styled sword with a handle fashioned into a pistol, Zer0's blank helmet and silence shows a slight disappointment. He knows exactly who it is from and turns to Axton to say, "A gun on a sword, I already have a gun, what good is this one?"

"Well damn you're harsh, just imagine thrusting up into some guy's jaw and shooting him in the throat. Does that not sound cool?" Axton says, truly believing that his gift was awesome.

Zer0 looks back at the seemingly rusted blade and says, "It's the thought that counts" without a scrap of remorse for Axton's pride. Zer0 takes a moment to review everyone's gifts before saying, "I see only blades, did no one get me something, besides a new sword?"

Maya has also realized that and admits, "Well… I personally couldn't think of what else to give you."

"I DIDNNNNN'T!" screams Tiny Tina as she pulls a leash toward the group from outside the bar. Amidst everyone's confusion, a giant stalker suddenly appears on the other end of the leash, calmly walking where Tina guides her. "Meet Enrique's new sister, everybody, her name is Blinky and she can turn invisible" she says as pushes down on its butt until it sits down in front of Zer0. She stands next to him with her hands clasped together behind her back and a huge grin as she waits for a response.

Zer0 stares at the stalker for a moment, then a "3" suddenly appears on his faceplate and he says, "This is amazing, a beast to do my bidding." He holds up his gloved hand for a high five as he says, "Best present ever." Tina giddily high fives him and goes to sit back down as Zer0 gathers up his blades, takes hold of Blinky's leash, and sets off toward the Crimson Raider HQ.


	3. Axton's Gifts

As soon as Zer0 leaves, everyone's eyes turns to Axton, they were eager to see what everyone got him. Axton half smiles from all the attention and loudly asks, "Whose gift should I open first?"

"OOOH me me me me I got you da BESTEST present and you gonna LOVE it!" Tina says as she bounces up and down excitedly.

Axton smiles delightedly and says, "Well little lady, let's see if your any good at picking presents." He winks at her as he opens it and reveals a small, patchwork mortar cannon with bunny faces painted on it. Axton's eyes widen as he realizes what it is and throws out his turret in the middle of the bar. He jumps up and asks Gaige, "Can I borrow your wrench for a second?"

He hastily grabs the wrench from Gaige's hand and quickly attaches the mortar to his turret. "So I'm guessing you like your present hmmmm?" Tina brags as she shines with a smile she can't get rid of.

Axton smirks, turns to Tina, and says, "You're the best present picker I've ever known." as he holds out his hand and Tina high fives it.

Gaige, for reasons she herself does not know, grows slightly jealous and says, "Hey you should open mine next, I made you something for your turret too."

Axton smiles gently and slowly picks up his present from Gaige. It's two metal rods with a small device on the end of them. Axton looks at it with a blank stare and asks, "What does it do?"

With blushing cheeks Gaige responds, "Duh, it's a lightning bolt thrower, put it between your two barrels on your turret and it'll shoot lightning at enemies."

Axton sits upright and smiles again, "Oh really? That sounds pretty useful, but I might need help attaching it, I don't deal with electricity often."

Gaige puts on a shy smirk and quietly says, "That's fine."

The biggest present of his pile had been keeping Axton's attention since he found out it was his and he excitedly picks it up and opens it. It turns out to be a regular looking shotgun, spattered with dried blood, and it has slightly disappointed Axton.

"Dexterous digits to POP the sausage balls!" Krieg shouts from the corner of the room. Axton takes a guess at what it does and fires it at the throwing knife target on the wall. He notices that the shotgun fires unusually, like it requires extra force to fire the shell. He looks back at the target and sees severed fingers hanging out of it.

After a brief pause of confusion, Axton asks, "It shoots fingers?" Out of curiosity, he reloads it with regular bullets and fires it at the target again. To everyone's amazement, it fires fingers again. Everyone looks at Krieg in bewilderment, but he had already gotten too preoccupied with banging on the jukebox to pay attention to the situation. The mystery of the finger shotgun will remain unsolved for many years to come.

Maya's present was next, it was obviously a gun seeing as she had wrapped it so tightly; and after opening it, Axton had trouble figuring out what it did even when he fired it at the target.

Maya notices his confusion and says, "It has some of my power in it, it slows down any enemy it shoots; the more bullets that hit them, the slower they become. Axton looks at her with an approving expression and moves on, though Maya is irritated by his lack of commentary.

With two presents left, Axton chose the bigger one to open next. It was a strange, wooden contraption that looked somewhat like a gun; he spotted a trigger and again tested it on the target. It shot wooden sticks with pointy, metal ends that went surprisingly deep into the target on the wall; and it also shoot almost as rapidly as an smg would fire bullets.

"What do you think of it Amigo?" Salvador says with pride.

Axton, looking impressed by the weapon's power, says, "I like it, a lot; but what is it?"

"You've never seen a crossbow before? What's the matter with you?" Sal says with an angry look. After a moment of awkward silence he continues by saying, "Ahhhh I'm just kidding" he laughs, "I made it myself, and it's funny to watch midgets run around with giant sticks coming out of their heads." Everyone giggles at the thought and the mood settles down once more.

"My gift still remains, why have you not opened, my special present?" Zer0 questions when he gets back from the HQ.

Axton looks over at the tiny object that Zer0 called his special gift and says, "We were waiting for you to get back so you could see me open it" with a nervous grin. Zer0 stares suspiciously at Axton's guilty face, but leaves it alone and sits back down. Axton opens his last gift and sees a pair of goggles and asks, "You got me swimming goggles?"

"Try them on" Zer0 tells him, slightly annoyed.

Axton shrugs and puts them over his eyes. Suddenly his vision darkened, save for the blobs of light where the people were. "Ahh nice, heat vision goggles to see hidden enemies, these will definitely come in handy."


	4. Maya's Gifts

Maya had been building up excitement ever since she got third place in Midget Quick Draw, and now she finally gets to open her presents. She immediately picks up one she has been eyeing and opens it to see an old book with glowing symbols on the cover. With reading being one of her favorite pastimes, she couldn't wait to turn the first page of this mystical looking item, but Salvador quickly stopped her.

"I wouldn't open that here, I found it in an ancient, alien ruin a few years back. I asked Lilith about it and she said it could be dangerous, but she told me you could handle it."

Maya, intrigued by what this book could contain, put the book in her inventory and tried to rush through the rest of her presents. The next one she opened instantly slowed her down again.

It was a blob of flesh, recognizable as a heart, but just barely. Maya knew at once that it was Krieg's gift, but didn't understand why he had given her a human heart. Krieg, still pounding on the jukebox, felt a nudge in his side from Gaige and looked up to see Maya holding his gift and screamed, "Gummy bear meat for the gummy bear lady!" The corner of Maya's lips curled up in a halfhearted smile that she tried to hide, but Krieg spotted it and screamed louder, "The gummy bear lady likes it!" as he swings his buzz axe over his head happily.

Maya blushes and quickly opens the next present, a shield that was smaller than most. It had a Dahl styled look with some sort of sensor on the side. Axton grins and asks, "I noticed that you are a little more vulnerable while you have someone phaselocked, so I made you a shield that's like the one on my turret."

Maya clips it onto her side with her other gear and says, "Thanks, I'm sure it'll come in handy. How does it work though?"

"That sensor on the side detects when you are using your power and the shield activates when the readings get high enough. The shield is 10 times stronger than a normal one, but it can only stay active with your siren energy" Axton explains.

Gaige looks shocked and asks, "Damn Axton, when did you get so smart?"

"What is that supposed to mean? I've always been this smart, and watch your language" Axton replies with smug expression.

Maya grins again and goes to her next gift which was a small piece of metal in the shape of an arm band with a clasp on the end to open and close it. Gaige, with a very confident grin, speaks up and says, "You're gonna love that, just put it on your tattooed arm and your power will increase 10 fold. You'll be able to lift every enemy up into the air at the same."

"Oh wow, I have to try this thing on right now then" Maya says, clearly excited and impressed. She holds her arm up and wraps the device around it, but as soon as she closes the clasp, her tattoos start pulsing and Maya winces and grabs her arm in pain.

"Oh shit!" Gaige exclaims as she rushes past the people to get to Maya. She hovers her robot hand over the device and a hologram screen pops up. After messing with it a little, Maya's pain subsided and she leans on the table in front of her. "Sorry Maya, I didn't know it would react that way. I had to turn the power amplification down from 1000% to 200%. AHHH! I can't believe that just happened!" Gaige cries, visibly upset, and goes to sit back down with her head buried in her arms.

Maya, breathing heavily and inhaling after every word says, "Don't... worry... Gaige… I'm… fine… now."

After catching her breath, she moves on to Zer0's gift to her. She unwraps it and holds it up so everyone can see it, but no one knows what it is. "A sniper rifle, alien technology, found in volcano." Zer0 tells Maya. It had an organic shape, colored with different shades of purple, and had wires going from the handle to the barrel.

Maya tries to find the trigger but there is none. She turns to Zer0 and asks, "How do you fire this thing, or even put in the ammo?"

"I do not know much, tis a mystery to me, but it seems useful" Zer0 says, not helping her at all.

Maya sighs and says, "I'm gonna have to test all of my presents in combat to know how they all work."

Tina raises her hand up high and yells, "HEY! Don't forget about my present girl!" Maya smiles at Tina and picks up her last gift, a seemingly ordinary grenade mod. "Try throwin one of your nades into your phaselock with this equipped, it'll turn it into a BLACK HOLE! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Torgue immediately interjects when he hears Tina "WHAAAT?! A black hole? That is oddly awesome sounding even though it is the literal opposite of an EXPLOSION as opposed to the figurative opposite WHICH IS STILL LASERS!"

An awkward moment of silence follows Torgue's comment and then Maya says, "You know a black hole might be a little too dangerous… even for vault hunters."

"Pfff don't worry baby it's just a tiny black hole, besides it'll disappear soon after your phaselocks ends it's no big deal." Tina reassures her with a sassy expression.


	5. Salvador's Gifts

With Salvador up next, he jumps up on top of a table and announces, "Before I start I just wanna say that everyone hear is awesome. But if any of you ever become bad guys, I'll have some fun by slaughtering you and all your friends" in a friendly tone.

Maya puts her lips to Gaige's ear and whispers jokingly, "How many rakk ales do you think he's had?" then they both laugh inside.

As Salvador teeters on the edge of the table, Axton tosses him his gift and says, "Get down before you flatten someone."

Salvador, sometimes secretly grateful for his low center of gravity, hops back down and quickly opens Axton's gift. At first they looked like earrings to Salvador's blurred vision, but after a moment of focusing he sees that they are two, miniature versions of Axton's turret. He giggles and sets the two down on the table facing each other and starts to make "pew-pew" sounds as he imagines them fighting each other. Axton, annoyed by the abuse of his handmade gifts, splashes a bottle of water that he got from behind the counter on his short friend. The gunzerker wobbles for a bit before saying, "Oh gracias amigo, I needed that."

Axton takes one of the miniturrets in his hand and attaches it to his assault rifle magnetically. He fires a couple shots at the target and lets everyone notice the turret firing in tandem with the gun before handing it back to Salvador and saying, "I made one for each of your gunzerking hands, make sure to treat them right."

Sal puts a hand on Axton's shoulder and says, "I'll treat them as well as you would brother" and they both share a kindly smile.

Gaige pretends to barf and hands Sal her gift saying, "Alright break up the bromance, you're going to make me hurl."

Salvador tears the paper apart and reveals a pair of chrome pistols and holds one in each hand. Without a word he aims at the target and fires both at once, blowing two small holes through the target before hearing a blood-curdling scream from the other side. Salvador grins ear to ear and says, "Hahahaha I like them already chica!"

"They fire highly charged bullets that liquefy anything they pass through, I call them the Facemelters" Gaige states proudly.

Maya glances at the holes in the wall and says, "Moxxi's gonna kill us if we don't fix that." As she speaks, Krieg grabs one of midget corpses that had just been left lying around and pins it to wall where the target was with a knife through its neck and screams, "Bloody bacon fixes ALL problems!" He then runs over to Salvador's gifts and throws his giant gift to the gunzerker who barely catches it.

Struggling to speak Salvador asks Krieg, "What in the world did you get me that is so big?"

Krieg screams in answer to Sal's question, "The red ocean rushes down the meat rocks and tears your skull apart!" and then runs outside yelling "blood" over and over again at the top of his lungs.

Everyone's sights are on the crazed psycho while Salvador opens his present, which turns out to be a wide-barreled rocket launcher and, of course, covered in blood around the opening. Tina suddenly starts laughing her ridiculous laugh and says, "Hahaha the barrel OH MY GOD the barrel hahahahaha!"

This prompts Sal to turn the barrel to the ceiling and everyone looks inside to see a mangled expression on the severed head of a bandit. After a short pause, everyone else bursts out in laughter at the thought of Krieg shoving this inside the barrel. Salvador takes a break from giggling his head off to say, "This is the first weapon I'm gonna use next time I go to the Bloodshot Stronghold."

It takes a full 5 minutes for everyone to calm down and get back to gift opening. Salvador randomly picks one of his remaining presents and it happens to be Maya's, and she couldn't wait for him to see what she got him. Sal can see the faint, purple glow from behind the wrapping paper and cautiously unwraps it, which kills Maya's anticipation.

To Salvador's surprise, as soon as he gets the last bit of paper off, the gun starts floating and hovers above his head. Salvador is confused and asks Maya, "I see a Vladof shotgun, which is awesome, but why is it flying?"

"The shotgun has a mind of its own thanks to my powers, it'll come out and shoot with you whenever you're gunzerking" Maya explains with an obvious smirk.

Salvador grins again even wider than before and says, "Oh hoho! It's not just two guns anymore, is it you bandit pendejos!" After he says that the gun disappears into his digital inventory.

Zer0 throws Sal a small device that looks similar to a Bluetooth and says, "This will aid your aim, technology of my own, highlights enemies." Salvador reaches up to his ear and presses a button by accident, switching it on. The device extends a red lens in front of Sal's eye and highlights everyone in orange.

"Oh this can help in the Dust when the air is really sandy" says Salvador, slightly bored with this gift.

Tina screams, "WATCH OUT!" and throws her present at Salvador without a moment's notice.

The gunzerker catches it readily and complains, "Why is everyone throwing their gifts at me, do you want to give me a concussion?"

Axton jokingly remarks, "We want to see stuff bouncing on that belly of yours, but you keep catching them."

"Nice one gilipolla, I'll remember that next time you're in fight for your mode" Salvador replies with a sarcastic smirk. He opens his present and it is a class mod with a big grenade on the front.

Tina gets up in front of Salvador and puts her elbows on the table with her head resting on her hands and says, "Alright boo so you already got double wielding guns, so I made you a mod that lets you use two grenade mods at the SAME TIME! BAM!" The room goes silent and Tina looks around the room confused and asks, "What?"

Maya breaks the silence with, "Tina…. that sounds awesome, does it work like I think it does?"

"Okay so picture dis, you throw out a grenade that pulls in all the enemies closer to it, splits into a bunch of smaller grenades, and then each of those shoots FIRE AND LIGHTNING!" Tina says with excitement. Sal laughs as he pictures how he could use that on varkids, while Gaige considers how she could use that with deathtrap.

Salvador equips Tina's present and says, "I'm gonna have some fun, be back soon" before he heads to the fast travel station.


End file.
